The most humane instinct I've ever felt in my entire life
there’s still hope
This is basically insane. I always have a feeling that I am the MOST fragile being in the god damn planet. I feel way too much, I am being supra sensitive and not so good at having an instinct to love myself that much.
For the past several weeks I kept telling people that I failed as a human, I am not that tough to handle things around me quite well aka no sign of improvement at all. I couldn’t even get myself move that much either, just laying down feeling depressed and hope that one day something terrible would happen to me so I don’t have to do it myself.
I also got the antidepressant to cope with my emotional waves which had me feeling drowsy for days. I have never imagined myself to hit this low in my life, but everything seemed to go against my will to be in this country somehow. Maybe it’s time to accept that I won’t be able to make it out alive on my own and I just need to save myself first. Bid farewell to my hope for the American dream and a bright future after graduation.
This little shit is tired.
If someone says oh I do believe in you little shit! you’ll get through this! I will just come up with the question why do you even have a slight faith in me. I already gave up on myself long time ago mate!
I have been that desperate for months I swear.
But what’s the point of writing this post at all? hm
Listen, If you feel like you’re suck. Look at me
If you feel like you’re being left alone in this world and being the least favorite child of god. Look at me
If you feel like why are they always giving me challenges and hurricanes and left you hanging to survive. Look at me
I don’t know why am I still here either.
Maybe it’s still September, my birth month. So I keep convinced myself if I really want to quit, at least let’s make it past September.
I’m a stubborn one, so even you keep pushing me out I’m not going to let it slides easily.
And when you least expect it, you’ll breath hope.
Which is odd, like really really odd.
Like I am 99.98% done with this shit ladies, I know I don’t deserve nice things and no luck on people.
I breath hope, out of my fucking lungs.
And it reminds me that whoa, this may be the most humane thing that we’ve ever experienced in the entire history.
Having a fucking hope, and we keep thriving. Without seeing any possibilities that it will get better or not. We keep breathing and make it to another moment, another day, another generation. Telling ourselves that you’re born to do something greater than your tiny ass self. You got this
I may not live up to someone’s standards. I’m pretty boring
I may not accomplish in relationship with people. I am truly a people pleaser
I may not be good at some point. I’m not that confident about myself or my ability and this is not where I was born and raised and people tend to survive on their own. I am just a crybaby who got disappointed and wasn’t being mature enough to accept things and let them go.
I am still working on it, coping with losing people and gather myself together when I got hit by my own expectation about how good people can be and I am willing to sacrifice more just to make it work.
Life is a bitch, you don’t always get what you want.
And you are one of those bitches, too.
So take a deep breath, you may find hope secretly hiding somewhere between your lungs. And even I can’t guarantee you if it’s going to be worth it.
I am still breathing.
(as of today)