I built myself a (mental) glasshouse during the pandemic
This is not what I expected my life (abroad) to be during my gap year
I quit my job
Bid farewell to my friends, family, colleagues
To begin the next chapter of life, in the land where I have always longed to be
I began my life abroad, getting to know people, expand my connections in a very well-known school on the east coast. Enjoy my time exploring the city, people, culture, and looked forward to the opportunities for my shine-bright future.
But things changed, and it has affected my mental and self-identity to the point that I couldn’t recall the old cheerful, positive me anymore.
The pandemic has changed the way I used to enjoy my solitude, walking to the parks, devouring myself among paintings and arts at the museums. I got stuck in a squared room, looking at the ceiling and wonder if my life would be different if I go back to my homeland.
I never been this desperate before, not in the past 26-year-of-age. Why the unfortunate event turned me into someone that is depressed, unmotivated, full of self-doubt, and like a fragile, plastic flower at the off-season aisle.
I tried many possible ways to regain my mental stability and confidence, starting from a flower pot. Unfortunately, I lost one due to a lack of know-how, I watered it every morning just like the other plants I got. Little did I know that it only needed water once in a while.
Or the relationship that I tried my best to save, just to realize that everything takes time to grow. I can’t keep pushing efforts towards someone and expect the boomerang effect to happen overnight.
And I’m not the only one who suffers during this rough, uncontrollable moment just like everyone else. There are people who are at the bottom and still struggling to make it through.
I must reclaim my garden, in a progressive, year-round effective way.
One day after a stormy period I decided to reach out to my aunt who lives in California, telling her that I need a break and want some fresh air. She offered me a one-way ticket to Ontario, California and I could stay until it gets warmer in the East.
California breeze and Home-cooked meals never let you down, I really enjoyed my time there. Going out (with mask), trying out new recipes that my aunt cooked and we ordered some of the nicest Chinese takeout restaurants back home.
Getting a break and step away from your problem for a bit seems to be a pragmatic way to live, but not getting the problem solved itself. As I ran away from everything, things always find a way to get back to you in a very smart, informative way. Emails, phone-calls, scheduled assignments. I had to get them done, little by little. You may called it adulthood, or karma.
I learned that at some point you just can’t run away from problems. Even you tried your best and still you can’t see a way to get through, having a stable, calm and durable mentality can help you stay. Be persistent may not be the best choice to take, but being persistent plus being aware of the surrounding to estimate what you can take at a time will be a nice step to begin with.
